Project Mayhem Article
by JayJay
Summary: This is a mock article like the ones that appeared in an issue of Maxim magazine about police forces around the world. I used their design to write my own article about my own favorite terrorist organization. Enjoy.


I don't own Fight Club. The things you own end up owning you.  
  
By JayJay  
  
PROJECT MAYHEM  
  
These Space Monkeys are ready to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, but they still like to have a little fun while they do. Sir.  
  
Did you know that if you mix equal parts of frozen orange juice concentrate and gasoline you can make napalm? Well, these guys do. Along with plenty of other homemade devices made for their supreme goal, the complete and right- away destruction of civilization so they can make something better of the world. Sir.  
  
SELECTION AND TRAINING  
  
It is uncertain how exactly a person is chosen for Project Mayhem, or why they are chosen, they just are. It begins with secret after-hours boxing matches held in the basements of bars called Fight Club, which is the brainchild of Tyler Durden, the creator and leader of Project Mayhem. Fight Club is a place where Tyler can give his speeches about how advertising has made our generation into slaves, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. He sends his message to all the people there and when he sees that someone has truly gotten his message, he recruits them for Project Mayhem.  
  
But this doesn't mean you're in Project Mayhem. First, you have to gather certain items that are required including an assortment of all black clothing, a bunk mattress, and three hundred dollars of personal burial money, which is the average cost of cremation. Having these said items doesn't guarantee admission to training, but if you don't bring them, you won't be accepted. And that's not all.  
  
Then you are sent to 1537 Paper Street, the headquarters for Project Mayhem. Once you arrive, you are to wait outside for three days without food, water or encouragement while Tyler and other space monkeys from Project Mayhem come out and tell you will not be allowed in, it's all been a mistake, you should just leave. But this is all just to see if you can take it, see if you can survive, for those three days, by yourself. Once this is done, you are finally let in. Then, the training begins. What it consists of? Well, Tyler first makes you go upstairs and shave your head, then he takes you down and assigns you to a job around the house. First cleaning an area, the toilet, the floor, etc. Does Tyler care how clean the house becomes? No, it's just for you to understand working without judgment, without protest, just working toward the common good. Once this is done, (along with Tyler badgering you the whole time about how your clothes, car, and how much money you have in the bank doesn't define what kind of person you are) Then Tyler (or another member) begins teaching you and a whole group how to make bombs and such out of homemade materials. He teaches you how to do certain things that you will later go on to do in your homework assignments that he gives you later on. More and more is taught, more and more learned, and then, you are given the final test. Tyler (or another member) takes your hand and kisses the front of it. (no, it's not what you think) After doing so, he pours lye flakes onto it creating a chemical burn. When water and lye combine, they heat up to two hundred degrees, water, or saliva. This is the most pain you will ever experience and you will carry a scar because of it. The whole time, you're trying to get free, but Tyler holds you down and screams in your face about how your god's unwanted children and you shouldn't worry about what he thinks of you because he doesn't like you anyway, but we don't need him. The whole time you're screaming in pain but you listen for Tyler offers you vinegar, which will neutralize the burn if you just listen. He makes you realize that someday you're going to die and only by accepting this and not fearing it, can you truly be free. The he pours the vinegar and there you are, an official space monkey of Project Mayhem. Trust us, once you've gone through all this, you'll feel just like that, a monkey ready to be shot into space, ready to sacrifice yourself for the greater good.  
  
UNIT HIGHLIGHTS  
  
On December 7, 1999, the Parker-Morris building in Wilmington, Delaware was brutally vandalized with fire and yellow paint. A huge smiley face was made with fire shooting out the windows for the eyes, and yellow paint painted across for the smile. Although not known for certain, it is greatly rumored this was a prized homework assignment of Project Mayhem. When an investigation was began into this and it's connection to "underground boxing clubs," days later the leading detective publicly stated that there was no underground group and that the investigation was called off.  
  
PERSONAL COMBAT STORY  
  
"We were on assignment, trying to kill two birds with one stone. Destroy a piece of corporate art, and trash a franchise coffee bar. So we set up a little bomb by this big corporate ball and set it off, letting the ball roll down into a mall, straight into a small coffee shop there. It all went smooth until, they (police) shot Bob, they shot him in the head." "Bob" was the only casualty ever known of for Project Mayhem. Quite a record if you ask us, but, we're not exposed to reveal any such information. Sir.  
  
RULES  
  
Here are the five rules all Space Monkeys follow to a T, as in Tyler.  
  
You do not ask questions  
  
You do not ask questions  
  
No excuses  
  
No lies  
  
You have to trust Tyler Durden 


End file.
